10-13-10 (Wednesday Night at Vintage)

I always cry at least a little at Vintage.
But this night was different.
I started bawling when I stepped in the door.
I'd just signed in and walked inside
And we were singing "My Soul Sings"
and "Draw Me Away".
I'll post the lyrics in a minute.

Then Danny was doing a continuation
of a series.
He is taking games
And relating them to life.
He did "Let's Make a Deal"

Basically, when you date around,
You're committing yourself
in a relationship
with someone who is more than likely
not your soul mate.

Dating in high school
teaches you to break up
when things get hard
and it trains you
for divorce
later on
because it teaches you
to give up on people
over flaws
which pushes away
real love.

What if your soul mate
isn't your "type"?
What if you're
limiting yourself?
You'll never find the right person
if you don't let go of
the wrong one.

Why start something
without intention
of making it last?
In the end,
it's only heartbreak.

I realized
that I'm more afraid
to fall out of love
than I am
for someone I love
to fall out of love
with me.

I have severe
trust and abandonment
issues.

I've only let one person in.
I'm scared to let him go...
I cried that night because
every time I date someone else
it feels like I'm cheating
on him...
it feels like
no matter what
he's always mine
and I'm always his...
I can't stand to see him
with someone else...

I cried because
I swore that God
was trying to show me
that Nick was the one...

I cried because
I'd talked to Chino
about the way things
between me and Nick
used to be
all the way there
and I missed it...

But mostly because
at that point in time
I was trying to move on
and he's still with Brit.

My stepdad thinks
I was "using" Austin.
That isn't true...
I hope...

My last two boyfriends
as much as I hate to say it
were rebounds...
but I genuinely thought
that I liked them...
I kinda did...
but all I've ever been able to think
about the way they treated me
was how much I wished
Nick still treated me like that.

Right now
it feels like
wednesday night
wasn't real
because all I could do
was cry
because I felt so helpless
because the message felt
directed at me
even though it wasn't.

When you date
You make a deal
And trade away
your soul mate
and God's plan
for your life.

I posted on Facebook
that I love what I have
and I wouldn't trade it
for anything.
I wouldn't trade Nick
for anything...
but what if I'm wrong?
I don't wanna be...
I don't think I am...
I'm not using Austin.
But right now...
I'm numb.